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You might be a Pagan if: 1) When you are sworn into court, you bring your own grimoire. 2) You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back and you understand what they are saying. 3) When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?" 4) You know what "widdershins" means and you apply it. 5) You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing. 6) You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. 7) You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon. 8) You know there are exceptions to the law of physics. You've caused them. 9) The first things your guests say is "My, That's a nice...altar...you have there." 10) On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by. 11) You know that Christmas trees were originally Pagan symbols. That's why you bought one. 12) You have friends who say they are elves and you believe them. 13) You commit blasphemy in the plural. 14) Upon dying, your first thought is, "Damn it, not AGAIN." 15) When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in a anthropomorphic way. 16) Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet. 17) You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. 18) In religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods. 19) You know there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You CAN explain the difference. 20) You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar. 21) You talk to trees and they talk back. 22) You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them. 23) Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like great fun. 24) You've seen "The Craft." You know they were making stuff up in "The Craft." You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did in "The Craft." 25) You understand the sybolism behind a maypole. 26) You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be." 27) Your children go around telling people that "The Goddess loves you." 28) You think that "Scott Cunningham" is a household name... 29) You feel that there is no such thing as having too many cats... 30) The emergency calls you get at work are your teenagers wanting to know the whereabouts of the extra candles, incense or other misc. ritual items. 31) Someone asks you what you are doing wandering around in the woods wearing a robe, and you answer cheerfully: "Going to church!" 32) Friends give you candles and incense as a gift. 33) There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes. 34) You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the local grocery store. 35) You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet". 36) When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not that broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?" 37) You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about. You have more to add. |
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A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to Pagan parents: -- by Ld Obyron Irondrake, 8/18/99 Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address. Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing. And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean? Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home. As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen. One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor. One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As You Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I tried to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath. In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about. With Deep Concerns, Mrs. Livingston P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct. |
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God Created Cat On the first day of Creation God created Cat. On the second day, God created man to serve the Cat. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the Salmon) to serve as potential food for the Cat. (and the Cat said, it was GOOD). On the Fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the Cat. On the fifth day, God created catnip so the Cat could do something else while his human was busy. And he also created malt, to help with fur balls. On the Sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the man from making too many human mistakes in caring for the Cat. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean out the sandbox. On the eighth day, God created the Dog, to give the Cat something to tease on the other seven days. |
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On Men 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you are aiming too high. 2. Women don't make fools of men--most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: You're sick of him. 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. 5. A women's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 6. Go for younger men. You might as well--they never mature anyway. 7. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - - "don't" and "stop"(but not used together) 8. Men are all the same--they just have different faces so you can tell them apart 9. Definition of a man with manners--he gets out of the bath to pee. 10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. 11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - - a woman 12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - - strong, caring, loving they'd be wrong but you could still use them! 13. Men are like animals--messy, insensitive and potentially violent - - but they make great pets 14. Mens brains are like the prison system--not enough cells per man. 15. Husbands are like children--they're fine if they're someone else's. |
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Astrology Lightbulb Jokes How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a heck of a lot of light bulbs. How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb? What, me move? How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb? 2. How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to bring his mother. How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb? A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud. How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb? One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work. How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb? Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed. How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb? None. They LIKE the dark. How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb? One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces. How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb? The light's fine as it is. How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb? Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed? How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb? How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb? "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!" |
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Automated Psychiatric Hotline Ring Ring Click Hello, welcome to the MID Call Center/Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you think you are possessed by a demon, press 6 three times. |
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A Pagan in Hell A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?" The Pagan asks, "Where am I?" Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven." The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven." Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?" "Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland." Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling." "What should I do now?" Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left." The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water. He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?" "Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?" Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill." Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud. The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT ???" Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way." |
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How To Cook A Turkey Step 1 - Remove the turkey from the refrigerator. Step 2 - Take a drink of whiskey Step 3 - Place the turkey in the oven Step 4 - Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5 - Turn oven the on Step 6 - Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7 - Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 8 - Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9 - Turk the bastey Step 10 - Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11 - Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12 - Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13 - Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 14 - Take the oven out of the turkey Step 15 - Floor the turkey up of the pick Step 16 - Turk the carvey Step 17 - Hands blood wash off; place Aid Bands on cuts Step 18 - Get you another scottle of botch Step 19 - Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 20 - Bless the saying, pass and eat out |
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Crazy Science If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it.) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over the pig thing yet!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Now that's creepy.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the......") Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life. Quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their own feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) A cat's urine glows under a black light. ( I wonder who was paid to figure that one out?) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew..... ? Who cares!?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Somebody didn't ask the pig!) |
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Ten Ways to Piss Off a Wiccan 1 - Ask them if they are Satan worshippers. 2 - Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat. 3 - Blow out their altar candle if it is still daylight. (No need to waste a good candle!) 4 - Pick up their gems for a closer look. 5 - Sharpen their dull, black-handled knife. 6 - Witness to them about the 'One True Religion'. 7 - Untie the knots in their cord. 8 - Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look. 9 - Play card games with their Tarot deck. 10 - Ask them if they are Satan worshippers. |
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A Prayer For The Stressed: Great Lord and Sacred Goddess, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow. Help me always to give 100% at work.... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday. And help me to remember....... when I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off........ it takes forty-two muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to .................... Bite Me !! |
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Brain Cost In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lays gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$200,000 for a female brain, and $500,000 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used." |